Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream will be rebranded, and included as an annex to The United States House of Representatives and by that become part of the United States congress.
The brand will be renamed and officially be called “Ben & Jerry’s I Scream”.
The move was approved with the help of the queen of congress Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AKA “Sandy”, AKA “AOC”, AKA “Hey, Oh, See?”. When asked (but why ask?), AOC replied “Like you can’t sell Ice Cream to people if you need to call them oppressed, because then they are like not oppresssy feely or anything, they like happy because they like eat ice cream and stuff. Also my grandmother is poor and my Tesla doesn’t understand me anymore, I asked it to take me to “my office”, and it answers it doesn’t understand my orifice. Or maybe it was Siri. I don’t know anymore because I’m so stressed from the floods in Germany they are so close to us, I need therapy.
Ben and Jerry as well as Unilever did not respond to our request for comments about the announcement, rumor has it they all suffer from a severe brain freeze.
As part of the military effort to make the US Army more gender and race neutral, it was announced that the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base will be renamed. If approved by some general with lots of striped thingies on his chest, the base will be called, starting as soon as next week, “Guantanamo Gay”.
The move follows other new changes such as using only lavender scented pink towels for waterboarding, and purple flare tracer bullets. Also rifle barrels will now be made less phallic looking.
The name change will be officially announced in a ceremony that will present, for the first time every, gluten free helmets and bullet pseudo-proof vests made of recycled cardboard.
Genera Joke “Jell-o” Weakfled was quoted saying “We are proud. Also we are gay how tough our troops now feel, and how this added to the moral of all 743 genders of soldiers that proudly serve the US army. Even Russia, China and Iran officially congratulated us and send us edible arrangements and an ample supply of pink towels!”. “Guantanamo Gay will be the beacon of woke to all armies around the world.”.
In reaction to the announcement, Vladimir Putin was reported to pee his pants from an uncontrolled laughter attack, and in Iran 1012 people were executed because it was a Tuesday. No reports were communicated from China and no one can get hold of any news reporters there for the last four weeks, but the Chines government said “honestly we don’t know anything about it or any virus or anything, we have no clue and it’s not from here anyway so why do you even ask, ha? It’s probably from some frozen pasta from Italy.”.
In a bold move that shook the social networks industry, and left trillions of creatures around the universe with their jaw or whatever other body part dropped, Facebook made today an announcement that can only described as innovative, ground breaking and brave!
Mark the date! As of today, Facebook will allow you to post stuff! Like posts and stuff. These posts will be available for other people to see!
Disclaimer: this does not include any posts that have any information, photos, images, audio, links, text, words, letters, graphic elements, icons, reactions, emojis, or anything else that they don’t like.
We all wondered what was the story with wearing that hat for the space flight in that big hilariously shaped rocket.
We here at Fakin’ News work relentlessly to find the information for you. We sent microscopic drones with tiny 4K cameras to find out all the behind-the-scene fact about this flight, and we found out why that hat was on, and was not removed!
Wait for it….you won’t believe this photo, showing Jeff just after all that publicity powwows, relaxing in his private room taking off his hat. It is unreal!!!
He got Borg implements! To give him advantage in business, allow him to control the space shclong rocket without anyone knowing, and to be able to answer all the questions Alexa is asked in real time, special enhancing implements were attached to his brain and enables him not only to communicate with the mighty internet directly with his mind, but also to control his coffee maker from bed! The technology, called Lithographic Gargantua Brain Tethered Quantum Artificial Intelligence Hairline, or LGBTQAIH, was secretly developed in the private section of Areas 51 and financed solely by Bezos’ money found in his Levis’ change pocket.
This is a Fakin’ News exclusive. Remember where you read it first!
This just in! The Biden administration, in collaboration with Anthony Fauci that in late 2019 got to an agreement with China that only certified organic COVID-19 viruses will be released to the public, has just announced that after lengthy discussions, that took over 7 minutes, a new agreement with China was reached, and all COVID-19 viruses that will be released from now on, including all Greek letters variants AND new versions (such as COVID-21 and COVID-21-2) will be non-GMO!
This not only means that ALL VIRUSes will be so much healthier, but also that they will be safe to infect vegans, lactose intolerant and celiac disease peeps, and anyone wearing a red MAGA hat! Really!
For now, the home of Fakin’ News will be here, until such days I’m less lazy (i.e. have time) and get the website FakinNews.com up.
It seems that everywhere you look for actual news, you get fake news. I try to do stuff the right way, so I will call my fake news as they are. Welcome to the best, only, unbeatable, completely accurate fake news source! Yes, this message is fake too! This is such a wonderful feeling, the freedom to fake!
First I rejected people saying that all whites are White Supremacists, because I’m kinda of white and took it personally (well, I was born to a Jewish mother from Poland and she and I were pretty dark-skinned especially during Israeli summers, and my father’s parents (yes also Jews) were from Bessarabia. My father and I were born in Israel, which is technically Asia, so I guess I can define myself as an Eastern European Asian Middle Eastern with possible roots in somewhere else, twice removed, currently pretty white-skinned).
Anyway, back to people claiming me, as part of a global group of pretty white to very white skinned people, being a White Supremacist. I didn’t like it, but I have to admit, especially because of poor exposure to the sun for the last year and a half like most people, I’m whitish now. So that’s a check mark for the first part of that definition, I’m on the white side of the light skin spectrum.
But what about the “Supremacist” part? Well I got to the undisputed realization that I’m smarter than all people that are more stupid than me. This definitely, specifically in that aspect, makes me superior to them, regardless of their race, fate, gender, age, how they define themselves or where they were born.
So it’s not an all inclusive definition, but I will not argue with anyone that’s more stupid than me which claims, directly or indirectly, that I am a white supremacist – as I’m pretty white, and at least as related to them, I’m a supreme human. I also cook and a pretty good backgammon player. Swipe right!
No, I didn’t invent this. Well, I did, but… I did not invent LGBTQIA. Really. It’s a thing. Here’s the source:
“We use the acronym LGBTQIA at Tech to stand for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, (questioning), intersex, asexual, and (agender). While we do this with intentionality, it is still possible to hear many variations of the acronym in use on our campus (i.e. LGBT, LGBTQ, etc.).“ (Source https://www.depts.ttu.edu/lgbtqia/understandinglgbtqia.php )
But I feel this is highly discriminatory. Though it is trying to include every damn human definition you can think of, it is missing a huge group and COMPLETLY ignores it! For all the organizations that shout they care so much about everyone, how can they leave out heterosexuals? UNBELEIVABLE!!!
So this needs to be corrected. From now on I request to add an H at the end to represent the biggest group which is obviously currently discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation and COMPLETLY IGNORED.
So please, use ONLY – LGBTQIAH . We are proud too.
Disclaimer to shut up anyone who might be trying hard to get offended by the above – I’m all for freedom of everything, for people to do whatever they want, and accept anyone that is not hurting others with whatever they do. That includes me.
So this post will be a live one. I’ll be adding words, phrases and acronyms I made up. Use at your own risk.
PCMF Post COVID Mask Fixation. People, even when fully vaccinated, outdoors or by themselves in their own car, still wear masks. It’s a fixation. For over a year they were made to be afraid of breathing. Now they can’t get rid of the need to have a mask on their faces, even though they have a better chance of the sky falling on their head (Vitalstatistix) .
PAD Pseudo Anonymous Donor. Or PADS if you want to add Syndrome to describe the condition. People that donate anonymously and then post about it. Also a good fit people who get awards and post about it themselves, as they probably do both.
Crycist A person that keeps crying about racists. I’m against racism. Or anti-Semitism. Or any misjustice. But I’m also against crying. ‘nough said.
Greendiot A person that talks in big words about green stuff from a very narrow point of view. Like saying electric cars will solve the problem, when electricity is still made with fossil fuel. Or using corn based disposable cups when it take more energy and waste to make them than regular disposables. And the same person driving an SUV or flying to ski in Switzerland twice a year. My Green Energy post from 2008
SITIU So Idiotic That It’s Unexplainable. It’s when you see or hear something and it’s so obvious how stupid it is that you can’t find the words to explain and you’ll feel stupid trying to explain it out loud (you know that if you will try and explain it, the only response you’ll get will be “duh”).
Shrinkels I won’t get old ever, but some people do, and sometimes they have wrinkles and shrinkage combined, and it results in what can only be referred to (from now on) as shrinkels.
NO MAS(K) No more masks. Self explanatory. Here’s a T shirt I made for it, in case you really like it, click to visit the store:
Fundemic Like everything in life, I find the best in every situation and make the best out of it (or change it if I can), and always try to find the funny side of things. So the pandemic was no different. Yes, lots of people died, and it was sad for many, but I was happy as usual and laughed most of the time because it’s better to laugh than cry.
LGBTQIAH Well, that’s my contribution to LGBTQIA to be really all inclusive and not discriminatory. I added H at the end to include Heterosexual.
Blacklash When a black person gets mad about a white person trying to define black people as a group, say what they think or do or should think or do “for their own good” (see Biden saying that if you didn’t decide who you vote to “you ain’t black”. Leo 2.0 (Leo Terrell) this one is for you, you blacklash daily, go Leo! I whitelash, but it doesn’t sound as good.
Many of you might have heard about Qanon, which was started by the mysterious Q. I was late to hear about this earth shattering piece of information, but once I learned about it I kept hearing about it again and again, even heard president Trump being asked about it.
But an hour ago I figured it out. I know who Q is!
Most Americans won’t recognize this. Australians and Israelis that watched TV kids shows in the 70’s will recognize it right away. I’ll give them a clue. Ask Jeremiah Quizzle.
The Lost Islands, an Australian TV show (Wiki) had the mysterious almighty Q ! That’s it! Here he is: